A Memoir of Sorts

The nice thing about having a birthday near the end of the year is that as I naturally reflect on the past year and look to the next one, I can look back on a particular age of my life.

For example, I turned 18 at the end of 2009 so the majority of 2010 was my 18th year. And when I look back at my 18th year I remember new adventures and selfish decisions. I remember dreams coming true and what consequences look like. I remember grace upon grace and being wrapped in God’s love. So when people ask me what 18 was like, I can tell them it was full of firsts (international travel, roommates, being away from home for more than a week, and of course first “loves”). But it was also the first time I disappointed people severely and I understood the magnitude of God’s grace.

So in the spirit of that, since I’m soon approaching my birthday, I’m taking a look at memorable years in the life of Becca. Years, memories, and lessons that have defined me. I’m also going to look ahead. I’m gonna publicly dream. So a year from now, we can check back and see what amazing things God has done. We’re gonna be able to see how He exceeded expectations and redirected my imperfect ideas toward His perfect plans.

(1995)
I was three for the majority of 1995.  It was the year I met the first love of my life, football. That was the year I started bleeding aqua and orange. The year Dolphins and my brothers won. The year I chose dirt and bruises. It was also the year I learned to read. The year my persistency broke my mom down and she broke down the English language for me. It was the year that opened the door to adventures unknown and new friends.

(2000)
Eight was the year I learned that the media isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. I’m thankful my mom wasn’t a prepper and stored cans of food for Y2K. Her trust in God to be good even in the unknown was a lesson we both would need later.

(2001)
At 9 I formally lost my innocence. I had compartmentalized the trauma of my childhood but when the planes hit, evil became real. I can’t unsee that day. It was the year I realized my mom wasn’t going to always be around. The year anxiety began.

(2003)
In some ways, 11 was my favorite year. It was a big year. It was the year God first audibly spoke over my life. It was the year I was introduced to prophecy and that kind of Christian life. I was skeptical and confused but that word continues to be an important part of my life. It was also the year I was introduced to the movie that changed my life. The year I went to Middle Earth and never returned. It was also the year my best friend was born. The year I met the greatest living being I’ve ever been blessed to know. He really was the best dog I’ve ever known and that year I finally got the companion I’d been waiting for my whole life. God knew what he was doing because 12 was going to be a trip.

(2004)
When I think about 12, I’m positively torn. In some ways, it was the worst year of my life. But the older I get, the more I can see that 12 might have been the most eucatastrophic year of my life. (Eucatastrophe: A eucatastrophe is a sudden turn of events at the end of a story which ensures that the protagonist does not meet some terrible, impending, and very plausible and probable doom.” - J.R.R. Tolkien). See 12 was when I experienced rejection and abandonment in the worst possible way. But it was also the year I experienced love I’d never known. See when I was 12 I lost my earthly dad but I gained a perfect heavenly one. Rubber hit the road when I turned 12 and what was an intellectual salvation became a relational one. It was the darkest I’ve ever been and yet love broke in and saved me. 12 was also the year I had one of my favorite sleepovers and solidified a life long friendship. I learned a lot about underdogs and determination in 2004. I watched my mom survive the blindside with strength and bravery. I also watched my favorite NFL game ever in 2004, although technically I was thirteen at the time and not twelve. Ask me about it sometime. Spoilers: AJ Feeley and Channing Tatum outplay Tom Brady.

(Mid-Late 2000’s)
These years are blurred and I’m not about to enter the darkness that is old Facebook posts. But I can tell you that those years I began to understand more and more about God’s character and heart. They were the years I joined my current church community and met incredible life long friends. I had another epic sleepover during those years. This one wasn’t characterized by cheers at Return of the King wins but it was full of all-night laughter and connecting with someone who understood me sometimes better than I understood myself. Someone who welcomed me into her family with open arms. High school wasn’t perfect but it was fun.

I already talked about 18 above but suffice to say, it may have been my hardest year. Although 200, 2013, and 2017 gave it a run for its money.

(2011)
19 was the year of more dreams realized and allowing God to continue to prune me and mold me into the daughter that He has created me to be. It was the year of Missouri Tigers and sideline football views. It was the year I left home again because that’s a theme in my life. It was also the year I forgave my dad. The year I let bitterness go and let God win.

(2012)
20 was the year of answered prayers (looking at you Nicole) and recognizing that maybe God has placed a gift of leadership in my life. It was the year I was formally appreciated and recognized for the first time ever. The first time I realized I was a valuable asset.

(2013)
I flew internationally again when I was twenty-one. It was the year I experienced a taste of heaven. Thousands upon thousands of humans singing praise to God. It was also the year I understood what true community looks like. It changed my life. 21 was also the year I experienced unexplainable tragedy. It was the year we may have broken beyond repair and yet God showered us with grace and called me deeper into His family.

(2014)
I had the most Taylor Swift year of my life in 2014 - I was 22. I traveled internationally twice and officially caught the adventure bug - which for me functions more like a tapeworm and is never satisfied. 22 was the year of dreams coming true. It was the year I walked the Mordor Trail and saw Bag-End. It was the year Abby and I sat in a booth at Fidel’s in Wellington and pretended to be Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd. It was the year I graduated college. And it was the year I met Tim Tebow. It was also the year I realized a large part of my heart was lost to Berlin. I’ll never get back that piece of my heart.

(2015 and 2016)
These are the years of trust. The years God closed some pretty big doors and I learned to trust His plans. These are the years of bold steps and gentle redirections. The years I began to invest in my church community and I stopped running. The years I realized my need for professional help and finally had the time to listen to God’s promptings. These years are full of tears and longing but they aren’t sad. They’re full of hope as God was drawing me into His purposes.

(2017)
25 was the year of loss. The year I said goodbye to my best friend and his feline companion. The year my mom moved to Texas and I left my “childhood” home. The year I said goodbye to certain dreams and desires. The year I said goodbye to the way some relationships were. I grieved a lot when I was 25. But I also celebrated a lot. I made a new best friend of the four-legged variety and human. Both of those guys bring me great joy.

(2018)
26. What a year. As I reflect on this year, all I can think is growth. Friendships grew deeper and richer. God’s call became clearer thanks to a timely prophetic word. I was able to step into things God has for me this year. I got to experience new places with my perfect match and meet new friends across the country. I bought a house. I got a new cat. And most significantly, I started and completed the Genesis process. I started my journey toward healing. The girl I was at the beginning of 2018, the freshly 26 year old, she’s drastically different from the girl who’s enjoying the last days of her 26th year. God has moved intensely this past year. Much has been pruned but possibly more has bloomed. I don’t always understand what God’s doing but I love it.

I turn 27 in a few days (2-3 days depending on how you count). It feels uncomfortably close to 30. There’s so much I still want to accomplish and do. So many places I still want to travel to and moments I want to experience. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in 2019. I don’t know if I’ll stop rocking the single life or if I’ll even make it through the year. I don’t know what new job opportunities I will take or what countries I’ll step foot on. But I do know I want to write more consistently. I know I want to pick up some projects I put on hold. I know I want to pour my heart and time into the ministry areas God has placed me in. I want to be thankful for the gifts and blessings God has abundantly blessed me with. I want to practice gratitude and rest daily. I want to push myself deeper into the waters God has called me to and I want to race harder and harder towards that ultimate finish line. I want to be bolder and braver but also more gracious and kind.

I want a library in 2019 (sorry Adrian).

I want to read 52 books.

I want to learn the entirety of Mia & Sebastian’s Theme

I want to step foot on new foreign soil.

I want to run a 5k

As the year ends, I’ll dream and scheme more practically and share that at the start of 2019. But for now that’s what I’ve got for you.

I listened to a podcast today about nostalgia. It’s a 10/10 podcast and I’d 100% recommend but I’m biased because my best friend is a co-host but we were chatting about nostalgia and how it can be helpful but also detrimental. And I remembered the importance to look back at what God has done. It’s okay to evaluate where’s you’ve come from as it informs where you might be going.

My life might not have been easy but it’s made me who I am and there might be days where I look at myself in the mirror and think horrible thoughts (hello, this afternoon) but ultimately I know that who I am is loved by the King of the Universe and He’s created me this way for His purposes and glory and the more I submit to Him and His will, He’ll mold me to be the woman He’s created me to be. My life isn’t going to look the way I envision it. Instead it’s going to look the way He’s planned it. And I’m pretty excited about that. I’m excited to listen to His promptings and Spirit and walk in His ways.

Catch ya when I’m 27! :)