In my Mom Era

Today is the first day of my new job, a full-time mom. If you told me a year ago, this is where I would be, I would have been incredulous. 

It’s not lost on me that this transition falls on my wedding anniversary. It seems that God is using June 26th to humble and transform me. 

Three years ago today, I married my best friend. While that day was full of joy and gratitude, it was also a death to a part of my life that I loved: singleness. Giving up the gift of singleness wasn’t easy and only God’s clear call and gift of Adrian were compelling enough to lay down that gift in order to receive the gift of marriage. I was fearful that by being married, I would lose my credibility as a champion for singleness (I wholeheartedly believe that marriage and singleness are equal gifts from God). It was humbling not only because I had to learn to be less selfish (the sanctification that comes from marriage isn’t easy) but it was also because I had to lay down a part of my identity that I greatly valued. I loved being single and being able to serve God with the freedom that comes from that gift. But then God brought Adrian to New Hampshire and as it turned out, I could serve God a whole lot better by being partners with Adrian than I could as a single person. It was hard to give that up. It was hard to humble myself and lose what I thought made me special. But ultimately it was best.

Today is no different. While there are obviously two other milestones in my motherhood journey that changed me irrevocably — July 3, 2022 when we saw the positive test and March 17, 2023 when Wesley was born — today marks a different milestone that I never saw coming and is humbling me in a similar way as marriage. Today I lay down my idea of motherhood and embrace the one God has for me in this season. 

When I was in college, I spoke on a homeschool graduates panel and answered questions about my homeschool experience and future plans. We were asked if we planned on home schooling and I vehemently said I wouldn’t. Not because I didn’t love it, I’m so thankful my mom home schooled me, but because I was assuming I would be deep in a career I loved and too busy. Growing up in the homeschool, conservative culture, the expectation of many of my peers was to graduate, get married, have kids, and stay at home. Me, being the Scottish lass I am, and my mother’s daughter, would have none of that. I would graduate, go to college, get a job I loved, get married if it happened, and have kids but utilize quality daycares and schools so I could continue to work. If I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure that was what I wanted, I just knew I didn’t want to be like everyone else. 

And yet, here I am. Embracing the stay-at-home mom life. Granted, I will be pursuing my passion of wedding photography, but the majority of my time, especially this year, will be focused on Wesley and being his mom. In the words of Carrie Underwood, it’s “what I never knew I always wanted.” But there’s still a small part of me that is grieving the idea of motherhood I had and is dismantling years of lies that told me staying home will turn me into someone I don’t want to be. 

So who do I want to be and more importantly, who has God created me to be? 

I love fiercely and passionately and it doesn’t always land well. I believe God’s love is transformative and the ultimate form of love and that until we embrace it fully we will chase that satisfaction in things that won’t last or fulfill us, even good things like marriage and kids. I believe singleness is a gift from God and one that, in my experience, the church in America doesn’t fully appreciate. Marriage is great but it’s not eternal. I believe that women can work and that God created men and women to be equal partners. Biblical translators did the world a disservice when they translated “ezer kenegdo” as “helpmate” instead of its true Hebrew definition. I believe all moms are superheroes, whether they work full-time or stay-at-home and I also believe a mother’s mission field extends beyond the four walls of her house.

I want to be the kind of mom that encourages her children to pursue God with their whole lives and to live out Kingdom values more than they care about cultural Christian values. I want to teach them Biblical literacy so they won’t be swayed either way. I want to pursue the work that brings me joy and do it for the glory of God and I want to love my children with agape love, just like I try to love Adrian with that same, sacrificial, transformative love. I will fail. I already have. But I want to try. 

Motherhood, even though it’s been a short 15 weeks, has already transformed me so much. I am so excited to stay at home with Wesley and watch him grow and discover the world around him — he found his feet recently and it’s amazing. Yes, part of me has to die in order to embrace this new season. Yes, I have to battle lies that say this is isn’t what strong women do. But I know it’s going to be worth it.

So here’s to this new chapter. And as the Swifties would say, I’m in my mom era.