What I Learned in my First Year of Marriage
About a week ago, my husband and I celebrated our first anniversary. First, in multiple ways.
We literally celebrated one year of marriage
We get two anniversaries per year (#thanksCOVID) — June 26 and September 19.
And while I don’t have much sage advice — it’s been one year — I have realized something pretty interesting. My favorite part of marriage isn’t the parts that is necessarily marriage-specific. Like sure, there were physical advantages of marriage for us and while those parts are wonderful, the part that fill me with the deepest joy, the part that show me glimpses of Christ’s love for us, is the part that everyone can experience, married or not.
And let’s be real — no one should be shocked that this is my take away after one year of marriage. I’m the singleness advocate, remember? Just because that’s no longer my relationship status, doesn’t mean I can’t promote, encourage, and champion the incredible gift of singleness. I am who I am.
You see, my favorite part of marriage is when we get to share agape with one another. The moments when we bare our souls to one another and bring our broken, messiness to the feet of the Cross and experience the grace of God together. It’s the moments when my darkest secrets are exposed and instead of judgement, I’m treated as a beloved Child of God. It’s the holy, Gospel moments of marriage that have blown me away. And, friends, that’s not marriage; that’s the Kingdom of God.
The same grace and love that Adrian and I share with one another is what we’re meant to share with our brothers and sisters in Christ AND our enemies. You see, that life-changing agape love that transforms lives in marriage isn’t meant just for you and your spouse — it’s meant for the world. But for some reason we’ve traded in sacrificial agape for polite niceties, even at church. And that absolutely breaks my heart. It also simultaneously crushes me, disgusts me, and fires me up.
It crushes me because the love I receive from Adrian, I desire to receive from my church family. I want friends and a community that see me at my worst and instead of discarding me, condemning me, or excluding me — embrace me and welcome me in. I want them to see me as more than a woman who’s meant to bear children and be a “good wife” and instead push me towards the things of Christ, even if they look different from the typical “leadership” model. I want them to affirm my gifts and help me cultivate them. I want them to call out sin and help me be accountable.
It disgusts me because I don’t believe this is the picture of the Church that God intended. Jesus tells his disciples in John 13,
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
That word for love is of course, agape. Which we all know, requires this of us: to be patient and kind. Not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. To not demand our own way. To not be irritable, and to keep no record of being wronged. We are not to rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out. Our love for one another never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. And friends, this isn’t just for married couples. It’s not just for your small group or friends. It’s not even just for your church or denomination. No, this love that we’re meant to have — so that the world will know we’re Jesus’ disciples — is for everyone. It’s for even our enemies. And I’m disgusted with the state of the world that we’re so far from that. But I’m mostly disgusted with myself because I don’t love like that. At all. Like not even close.
Which is why it also fires me up. I get passionate about things. It’s how God made me. Mostly though, I get passionate about the way “things should be” which isn’t always great but PTL, in this case, it’s okay. Because just because this isn’t the way things are right now doesn’t mean we can’t grow towards this way of living. Just because COVID exposed our sin in deep ways and we’ve realized that all of us sucks at showing agape to — at the very least our enemies — but often even our friends, doesn’t mean it has to be like that. Guys, it’s hard. I get that. But friends, that’s kind of why we exist. We can do a whole bunch of “Christian” things but if we’re not showing agape to people, everything we’ve done is meaningless. So let’s stop the crap. Let’s stop believing the lie that the purest form of agape love is displayed within the context of marriages and families and let’s remember the truth. The purest form of love is Jesus dying on the cross. It’s the son of God sacrificing himself for all of humanity. And it’s that love that transforms us. It’s that love that we all get to receive and give to one another. It’s that love that is my favorite part of marriage. But the best part is, that love was present in our relationship even before we made our covenant 370 days ago.
And if I’ve learned anything this last year, it’s that the love that Adrian and I have for one another, is meant to be shared with others. Sure, there are some obvious aspects that are meant for just us (don’t be weird or misconstrue my words, we’re adults here, get the point). Before marriage, I thought I would experience some sort of special kind of love that only married people got to experience but what I realized is that Francis Chan and Tim Keller were so right. Marriage is about mission. And I’m making it my mission to share this agape love with everyone I meet.
Just like in my marriage, I’ll share it imperfectly. It’ll be messy. But I’d rather messily try to follow Jesus to the best of my abilities than have a tidy-looking, nice and polite faith. And I’d like to invite you to join me. I’d like to encourage you to think about ways we call all grow in this. Because, what’s the point of anything else we’re doing if we’re not allowing God’s love to transform us and then sharing that love with everyone?