Be Still and Know
The first week of Lent has come and gone.
And by first week, I literally mean the first calendar week, not the Church calendar week because I’m pretty sure by that Calendar we are in week two? But I digress...
It’s been seven days since Ash Wednesday. Seven days of a new Bible reading plan. Seven days of my C.S. Lewis Lent devotional. Seven days of my Lenten practice that shall remain a mystery because what I have chosen to “fast” from is between me and God. Lent’s not about others being impressed with our ability to forego coffee or sweets or even social media, therefore why boast? Lent is about humbling ourselves before God and preparing ourselves for the glorious eucatastrophe of the Easter weekend!
In full transparency, my church doesn’t practice Lent. No church I have ever been a part of has practiced Lent. In fact, I’m not even sure if I’ve truly practiced Lent before either, at least not in the traditional manner. But this year I set out to do so for a couple of reasons.
To understand my new family better. I have family in the high church tradition and after reading Andrew Wilson’s book, Spirit and Sacrament, last year, I was convicted to look into traditional sacraments and high church traditions more as an effort to understand those who are close to me.
Jon Tyson recommended fasting (in any sense) in Beautiful Resistance as a means to fight apathy which he describes as going hand-in-hand with prayer and breakthrough. And there are many areas in my life that need that breakthrough. So I wanted to be faithful and fight the apathy that had entered my prayer life and boldly ask for God to move.
And friends, so far, it has been really refreshing and I recognize that in part, that’s because the isolation of the world we’re living in has dulled every part of my life so to do something that actively challenges me will of course bring color and life back. But it’s also been so good because it’s been convicting.
God’s so gracious and kind that He doesn’t just let us live in brokenness, sin and shame, but He highlights areas where we aren’t trusting Him or exercising pride instead of humility and this last week of Lent has just broken me in all the wonderful ways.
One of the key areas, God has spoken to me, is my tendency towards flight. We all know the fear responses of fight, flight, freeze or face. Well, I’m a flight-er. I know. Lots of people think I’m a fight-er but my natural instinct is actually to run. That’s why when integration into my new family hit some turbulence last year, my first thought was to just not marry Adrian. Working through things was too hard, he’d be better off without me, I should just go. Last year, when things at church were rocky and my injustice radar was going off, I prayed about moving churches. And when my heart knows it needs deep work, it acts like Jonah and tries to run and hide from God. I’m not sure if this response is learned or I was born with it but considering I have a hard time sitting still, it’s not really a shock to me that my response would be one of movement.
Which is why, God’s reminder to be still and KNOW that He is God was important for me this week. He invited me to rest and wait and not flee from His presence even when it brought conviction. He invited me to rest and wait as He reminded me He was working in the situations that bring me pain and He reminded me so gently not to rush Him. His timing is always perfect.
This is not an easy lesson. My mom and my husband (and probably my dogs) can tell you all about how I actively resist being still. I’m squirmy and a do-er. I say that, and on my own I can be quite still, wrapped up in a book for hours, so maybe I’m not, I just have to be drawn into rest? I don’t know. But I do know I’m leaning into stillness. I’m leaning into practices that challenge me but ultimately will draw me deeper and deeper into relationship with the one who fulfills me.