This is Thirty

At 9:49PM this evening, I will have lived through three decades. Perhaps it doesn’t feel like a milestone but for someone who’s spent the last 15 years struggling with depression, it feels like a miracle.

People say age is like wine and it only gets better with time and I think I believe them. I’m so excited about my thirties, I mean even the word alone makes me sound sophisticated. But in all seriousness, I think age on its own is a number. People can be 20, 30, 40 or even 70 and act the same. It’s maturity that brings character and wisdom. By virtue of living through more years than someone else, you have more opportunities for life to throw itself at you in all its messy and beautiful ways and therefore you have more opportunities to grow and change and mature and become wise. Maybe you don’t take them and that’s fine. But the only real difference I’ve found, between 25 and 30, besides rapidly aging skin, is there’s just more life lived so there’s potentially more healing and maturity that’s happened. The only thing different between 29 and 30 is a title, a new group to belong to, and a fresh decade of hopes and dreams

So here’s my ode to 30.

Thirty is realizing that people are constantly growing and changing and agreeing with Dalinar Kholin when he said, “Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a person who is in the process of changing.” 

Thirty is being more comfortable with minimal makeup and glasses than being dolled up and putting your contacts in. 

Thirty is realizing and accepting that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay. People pleasing is exhausting – own who you are. 

Thirty is knowing that you’re a passionate, fiercely loving, and kind encourager who wants to see the people around you flourish and unfortunately not everyone wants to flourish and that’s okay too – you don’t have to be frustrated, everyone’s journey is different – God’s got them so you don’t need to worry. 

Thirty is dreaming about incredibly mundane things like house renovations, ways to be more hospitable, and how you can be a light in darkness. It’s embracing the ordinary and knowing that it’s in that space that God tends to work the most. 

Thirty is continuing to understand what love actually means, what it looks like practically, and imperfectly pursuing agape. 

Thirty is being softer, responding slower, and practicing silence. 

Thirty is doing more of what brings actual joy than what others expect.

Thirty is realizing that the cute dress from Madewell won’t make you happy and having less is genuinely more.

Thirty is learning new skills and for the first time ever, not being afraid to make a mistake or be imperfect. 

Thirty is having a life-partner do adventure, explore, and grow with.

Thirty is dreaming about a family and what that might look like.

Thirty is thinking about passive income, what a “career” really looks like for you, and being okay with not being considered by normal social standards, “a high achiever.” 

Thirty is years of dealing with depression and a neurologically divergent brain and learning how to feed it properly so you can thrive.

Thirty is finally feeling comfortable in your body regardless of dress size or weight. 

Thirty is enjoying fueling said body with nutrient dense foods but also getting down with Kendall Pond Pizza.

Thirty is finally feeling comfortable enough to play freely and giggle uncontrollably. 

Thirty is craving deep authentic friendships and finding gems to share your whole self with – it’s scary but can confirm that it is worth it.  

Thirty is reading more books than you did in your twenties and honoring that 11 year old girl who spent days on end sitting on the roof and adventuring through the pages of books.

Thirty is knowing what you like – media-wise – and not feeling like you have to keep up with what’s current but can spend the rest of your life happily listening to Ed Sheeran on repeat. 

In short, thirty is really just about knowing who you are, living that way on purpose, and not stressing the opinions of others. It’s rediscovering who you are, knowing who you want to become, and laughing at the mess in the process. 

I’m thankful for these last three decades. I’m thankful for the pain and the healing, the joy and adventure, and everything in-between. I’m so proud of the woman that I am today. I’m even more proud of the bravery and courage of Becca of the past thirty years and the things she went through to get me to this day. I am not perfect and I never will be. I will fail and make mistakes. I’ll be triggered and revert to old habits. But every day that passes brings growth. Every day that passes brings me closer to the glorious ending that Jesus has for me. Every day that passes is another opportunity to lean into grace and love and share that with others. I’m thankful for the security and confidence I feel today. It’s drastically different from the unbridled anticipation and excitement I had at 10 and 20 but the hope remains the same. I may change but my foundation stays the same. And perhaps, that’s really what thirty is. Thirty is experiencing the love of God in wild and deeper ways than you could have ever imagined; weeping regularly over His love for you and trusting Him more and more as life tosses and turns.