Usually at the end of the month I recap my reading list and give some reviews and while that will be happening for June, I wanted to jump in here and highlight one of the books I read as well as address some things on my heart. 

I’m getting married this year and in preparation I recently re-read my favorite book on marriage, The Meaning of Marriage. While the book is not perfect, (what book is?!) it serves as a foundational picture of what the Bible intends marriage to be. If you're not a Christian, then you probably have a fundamentally different worldview, so if you disagree, totally your prerogative. But, if you are a Christian and you’ve never read the book — married or not, may I entreat you to please read the thing! Not only because it’s good but because as the Kellers explain, “If God invented marriage, then those who enter it should make every effort to understand and submit to His purpose for it.” 

You know that saying, “Be in the world, not of it.” It’s Christianese at it’s finest and at its core promotes some, “hiding a lamp under a bushel” tendencies. But let’s for a moment pretend it’s helpful, because I think when it comes to marriage, western Christianity (since it is the only one I’ve been privy to) has decided to be of the world when it comes to marriage. And no, I’m not talking about divorce, because it turns out divorce statistics are skewed, and as a child of divorced parents it breaks my heart to see people go through that — and I know nearly everyone that is divorced, has felt the pain of that, and it wasn’t a choice made flippantly or by them.

No, I’m talking about the overemphasis of romance. There. I said it. Bring your pitchforks and your tar. I do not care because this is what I’ve observed and noticed. Romance and therefore marriage are viewed (largely) as more important than singleness but also sometimes than the Kingdom of God. 

Think I’m crazy? Ask just about any homeschooled girl who recently graduated high school what she thinks her calling is? Because 9 times out of 10 she’ll say, “I just want to be a mom.” Being a mom is a worthy endeavor but what happens if you can’t have kids or when you do, they grow up? There has to be more to your life than motherhood. And plot twist — there is! It’s called the Kingdom of God. God called and created us to go and make disciples of all nations. He didn’t call us to be mothers and fathers and husbands and wives, He called us to glorify Him and love others. Now sometimes on that journey we may become husbands and wives or mothers and fathers, and that is good, but that is not the end goal. Again, before I get kicked out of my church for sacrilegious comments about children and marriage, do not hear what I am not saying. Marriage and kids are good. Moms are amazing and strong and phenomenal and if that is your spot in life, praise the Lord! Your kids are a gift! You are incredible. Children are amazing! They just aren’t the end goal.

Jesus is the end goal. The Kingdom is the end goal. Glorifying God is the end goal. So when we overhype marriage and kids, we can be left with the next generation seeking those things and not the Kingdom of God first when Jesus actually commands the reverse. Seek Him first. And no! Not because I think when you do that you’ll magically find a spouse, like unhelpful married couples often say. But because when you do seek the Kingdom first, you will find satisfaction like no other. When you pursue God wholeheartedly you will find that He, and He alone, brings fullness of life. A husband and children will never do that for you. Did you read that? A husband or children will never fulfill you. Only God can. So put Him first, okay?

And Church, let’s be the kinds of people that promote that. Let’s ask young men and women, what God is doing in their life, how we can pray for their relationship with Him before we start praying for a spouse. They aren’t mutually exclusive. Pray for both. But pray for the first one first. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times people have asked to pray with me about a spouse before they asked what God was doing. Do you know how disheartening it was to have people care more about my relationship status than a BA prophetic word I was given at a conference? To have people gossip about my male friendships more than they encouraged me to grow in leadership? Blessedly, the majority of amazing women in my life did not do that, which is a real credit to my church, but that is not always the case. Let’s encourage one another towards Christ first and foremost.

“…the picture of marriage given here is not of two needy people, unsure of their own value and purpose, finding their significance and meaning in one another’s arms. If you add two vacuums to each other, you only get a bigger and stronger vacuum a giant sucking sound. Rather, Paul assumes that each spouse already has settled the big questions of life — why they were made by God and who they are in Christ.”

“If we look to our spouses (or children) to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility.” Parenthesis added by me. 

The reasons the Kellers emphasize this important aspect of marriage is because well it is crucial. Human beings cannot satisfy us the way God does. But also because it sets the tone for their perspective of marriage. Which brings us to the second point of idolizing romance and marriage. Marriage isn’t really about romance at all.

When we buy into the erroneous ideal that marriage is meant to be like a RomCom or a Hallmark movie we are setting ourselves up for failure. Marriage is intended to make us holy. If marriage is intended to make us holy, then choosing to get married because our significant other makes the world a little brighter, is kind of a weak reason. Marriage is less about how we feel and more about what we will become.

“Within this Christian vision for marriage, here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person For is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want ti be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!’” 

Adrian and I do not have it all figured out. We’re not even married yet. But I can tell you, it was in the middle of a conversation about where we felt like God was calling us that we had the “argument” that changed our relationship status. We were coming off a weekend church conference chatting about what God had spoken to us and where we felt He was calling us in the future and as Adrian spoke, I got so annoyed because we felt called to similar things and watching him grow to become that person was too exciting to me. I didn’t want someone else to get to encourage him on towards God’s call. I was already doing that and I wanted to do it until we passed on from this life into the next. That is marriage. Marriage isn’t what feels good 24/7 because that’s impossible. Marriage is spurring one another on towards future glory. 

Marriage is also choosing to love sacrificially (agape love) as opposed to eros love which is generally regarded as the sign of love. “What you think of as being head over heels in love is in large part a gust of ego gratification, but it’s nothing like the profound satisfaction of being known and loved.” When people esteem us and show us affection we can consider that love because it makes us feel good. Ultimately though, that is all about us and how someone else makes us feel. Love is not self-seeking, therefore, that cannot be love. Love must be others centered and love must be given regardless of how you feel. 

Imagine what the world would be like if we loved like Christ more. Seriously. Imagine if we chose to love people even, especially when, they hurt us. I’m not talking about serious pain, like physical or sexual abuse, I’m talking about bruised egos and pride. You know, the people who you can’t stand. Imagine if you loved them anyway. Imagine if you put away your pride and chose to show them grace and compassion. Imagine if you forgave them! Do you think the world would change? I do. I imagine if we took God’s commands a little more seriously, we would see major changes in our own lives that would radiate throughout the world. Especially if we “do the acts of love despite our lack of feeling.” 

And that’s what we’re asked to do every day in marriage. We’re not asked to be intensely “in love” every day for 50 years. That isn’t sustainable nor is it real love. 

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us."

Again, not perfect, just my only experience, but the most loved I have ever felt by Adrian is when I’m in the midst of a full-on breakdown (it’s happened twice) and I am doing everything in my power to run away, cease to exist, etc. and he holds me tightly, amid unkind words, and speaks truth, love, and peace over my life. Because in that moment, he is seeing me at my absolute worst, when I believe no one could ever care about me or that I don’t even deserve to live, and he is choosing to love me anyways. As insecure as I can be sometimes physically, I’m more insecure about my flaws because they are numerous and far more damaging than a few extra pounds and untoned arms. My tongue is reckless and starts many a fire. My heart is often unkind and cruel. And yet, he still chooses to love me through that and reminds me of my true identity in Christ. 

That is what I think marriage is, guys. It’s not romance 24/7. It also can’t be fighting 24/7. It’s really just dying to self and loving someone else sacrificially 24/7 as you spur one another on towards Christ. 

And yeah! Sometimes that may include romance and feelings of flattery and infatuation and some solid Song of Songs times but more often than not, I imagine that even sex grows into mutual submission and sacrificial love for the benefit of the other. 

The reason, I’m so adamant about this view, is because it is what we see in the Bible. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for us because he enjoyed partying with us or reading the Scriptures together. He didn’t die for His disciples because He liked taking walks in the Galilean countryside or sipping tea with them. He died because that was His purpose but also because He loves us more than we’ll ever realize this side of Heaven. His love was deep and it was sacrificial. His love for the Father was submissive and not self-seeking (read about Jesus in Gethsemane if you don’t believe me). And if that’s what is demonstrated for us and what marriage compared to, then you best believe that’s likely what it’s going to be like. And that’s what I want to be common when talking about marriage within the church context. 

Let’s lay aside unhelpful platitudes or oversharing from our own lives and focus on the Gospel aspects of marriage. Let’s make common the idea that marriage isn’t about us feeling good but rather about holiness. Let’s make common the idea of Kingdom pursuit before anything else. Let’s make common that love is an action not a feeling. Let’s also make common that singleness is just as much a gift as marriage and that Paul entreats us to do both. 

Really, there is so much more I could say. This will be a topic I will continue to be passionate about regardless of my status, especially as I learn first-hand and continue to read about this subject. Marriage is great but it is not the greatest and even on my wedding day, I want to remember and focus on the one who is above all things. Because it is He who deserves all the glory. It is He who brought us together. It is He who is sanctifying us daily. It is He who fills us with His love so that we may love one another (and others) best. It is He who is guiding and leading us. It is He who deserves all on honor and glory and praise. Marriages are great but they aren’t God. Weddings are fun but they aren’t THE wedding. 

I’m excited to get married this year but I’m even more excited for Heaven. Because that’s going to be the best ever.