My Heart's Desire
Almost two weeks ago, I teased about this post. I wrote that, “I only really have room in my heart for one “happily ever after” fairytale ending and it’s not with Adrian or myself. It’s with someone far more superior.” But before I explain, I have a few disclaimers.
If you’re not a Christian — this is going to sound crazy to you and that’s okay. But please do read the whole thing and ask follow-up questions before writing me off completely.
This is by no means saying that I don’t love Adrian. I do. I LOVE being married to him. I think he’s wonderful and I’m so incredibly grateful for our story, but, primarily because it points to this greater story.
I fell in love with “the one whom my soul loves” in the summer of 2004. I was twelve years old — puberty and awkwardness were at their peak and my parents divorced had just been filed for a few months prior. I don’t remember the sermon that was preached. I just remember that I was at my summer camp and I was sitting on “The Rock” processing what I’d heard. The information wasn’t new, I’d been a church kid my whole life. I knew about God and Jesus and all of that and I slayed at sword drills. But if I’m honest, my soul didn’t really know what it meant to know Him. And then that changed. He used words I don’t remember to penetrate that fragile, broken, little heart and cover it with His unconditional love.
My story isn’t as dramatic as some of the ones I’ve heard but I can tell you that my heart was instantly changed. I’ve often heard people describe their romantic relationships as opening them up to love for the first time and I think that’s a lovely sentiment. But that just wasn’t the case for me because I’d already known love. I experienced the deepest, purest, most complete love I’ve ever encountered on that summer’s eve, sixteen years ago, and my life has never been the same.
Right after I got married, a friend asked me how it was. And I responded that it was lovely but that being filled with the Holy Spirit was better. (We’re Reformed Charismatic so we believe in the active manifestation of spiritual gifts today, so this wasn’t weird to her. But if you’re a Cessationist - totally cool, but you know that feeling when you’re in church or you’re praying and you’re just absolutely undone by God’s love for you? That’s the experience I was talking about.) Marriage and all that comes with it, is lovely and wonderful. But it absolutely pales in comparison to those moments where Heaven touches Earth. Because while the love that Adrian and I have for one another is lovely — it fails to live up to the love that God has for us.
Because, the reality is — even if Adrian died a painful, sacrificial death for me, like Christ did, he still wouldn’t love me the same. He intrinsically cannot. I was created by God and for God. I was created, like all of us, in the image of God, to be in fellowship with Him for eternity. Marriage is wonderful — but it’s not the end game. There is no marriage in Heaven. But there is God. And for eternity I get to worship Him.
And I know that’s not appealing to a lot of people. I know people who fear Heaven and if that’s you — you’re not alone. But honestly, ever since I met Jesus and my soul found the one who turned my life upside down and turned the drab world I was in, into technicolor, I’ve ached for that place. I’ve longed to be in His presence perfectly. I have longed to be away from sorrow and pain and fear; to be completely and utterly safe in the arms of my lover. How could I not?! Can you imagine anything more wonderful?
That being said, I did say in my original vows that “While I hope Piper is right and I’ll see Paco (my old dog) in Heaven, even more so, I hope Keller is right and that we’ll [Adrian and I] be friends there.” I love Adrian. So much. Just like I love Paco. (He really was the best dog). And I really do hope that I get to be friends with Adrian in Heaven but if I’m honest, I know deep down it won’t matter. It matters now and so I tell myself these things will be true because they are nice lovely thoughts and I do want them to be true. But I know in my soul, it doesn’t change anything. God’s my number one and I love time with Him and I can’t wait for that time to be perfect and eternal.
Now, because God is great — He designed marriage as a picture of the love He has for us and we have for Him. So there can be some really spiritual moments in marriage and I love those. They are the actual best parts of marriage — the times where I’m open and raw and full known and God uses Adrian to show me love. Or the times where I see Adrian as the man God has called him to be, and not the person he is in the moment and I get to spur him on toward that goal. Those moments and many more are my absolute delight. But again, they’re great because they are the moments that involve God. He alone is my heart’s desire. And plot twist — the same goes for Adrian. We love each other, but we love God more and that is a good thing! I promise!
Honestly, I understand I’m rambling and there is maybe no real point and I blame the fact that I’m just absolutely overwhelmed by God’s love and I’ve been listening to the same song on repeat for the last 30 minutes but even if there isn’t a real point or flow — please know that the greatest love you will ever experience cannot ever come from a human being. It can only come from Christ. Even if you’re already a Christian — please remember this: human beings can never satisfy our hearts and souls the way that Christ does.
If you’re single — you are not missing out. You can know perfect love. You too can find your Song of Songs 3:4 love (Pinterest/Hobby Lobby proof texted it anyways). Because that love is Christ.
If you’re married — live it up. Love your spouse and your family. But never forget, even if you have the best spouse ever, that God is the only one who fulfills every part of you.
And just like every human love story has a soundtrack — here’s my playlist that reminds me to dwell and enjoy the greatest love of all.
Just Be by Kim Walker-Smith:
As The Deer by Shane & Shane (Cover):
All I Want by Jules Burt
Love Like This by Lauren Daigle
I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad
Pieces by Amanda Cook
Oh the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus by Audrey Assad and Fernando Ortega