I truly did mean to write this at 6 months but here we are at 7.5 months and I’m just now getting to this. I think that sums up how life is these days, busy and a whirlwind.

It’s wild that he’s 7.5 months old because I swear he was just born yesterday. Yet here he is, trying “solid” food, sitting up, and attempting to crawl.

So what has the first six (or seven or almost eight) months of motherhood taught me? A lot. So here’s 6 lesson’s I’ve learned in the last several months!

1. Being the perfect mom is an impossibility but being the best mom for Wesley is my reality.

I will never be a perfect mom. Perfectionism is a lie and an impossibility. I can buy all the things that society tells me to buy, I can follow all the rules and sleep schedules (if they didn’t contradict) and do all the things that mommy culture tells me to do and it wouldn’t be enough. It would never lead to becoming the perfect mom because the perfect mom is a myth. BUT, I am the best mom for Wesley. Why? Because I am Wesley’s mom.

No other mom out there could parent Wesley the way I can. No mom knows his needs or his idiosyncrasies better than I do. Not even my mom or my mother-in-law or the myriad of other moms that I look up to — why? Because they aren’t Wesley’s mom. I am. I know him best, therefore I am best equipped to be his mom. So when I feel doubt or mom guilt — more on that soon — come crowding in, I remind myself that I was chosen to be his momma and I’m the best person for that job.

2. You have to do what you have to do to survive.

I remember driving to a friend’s house on Easter, so Wesley was a mere three weeks old, and saying to Adrian, people have to do what they have to do to survive. The first few weeks of parenthood are honestly indescribable but the image of trying to drink from a fire hydrant is pretty close. No amount of preparation will really get you ready for the reality that hits when your child is born. And so, in my opinion, people have to do what they have to do to survive.

Studies often contradict each other so if bed sharing works for you, you do you. If Miss Rachel is the only way you’ll get a shower or like 10 minutes to yourself, go off. Being a good parent isn’t based on how well you follow the American Pediatric Society’s guidelines or how holistic you are. Being a good parent is being the best possible parent you can be for your child and if you can’t be that good parent because you haven’t showered or slept enough or whatever, then do what you need to do (obviously within reason) to be that person.

For some people, sleep is vital and they need their children to “sleep through night” ASAP so they sleep train. If you need to do the “cry-it-out” method so you remain sane and a good parent, then you need to do that.

For other people, they would not be the best versions of themselves if they followed that method so they choose to introduce sleep associations and gently guide their children to sleep. Do they sleep less? Probably but that’s what they have to do to survive.

Neither is wrong. Neither is right. It’s just what works for YOU.

3. To me — “mom guilt” is a self-imposed phenomenon that we have the power to dismantle.

I am sure there are people out there who walk around verbally shaming moms. But for me, it’s been the perception that people are judging that causes the mom guilt to enter my brain. But I have to remind myself that dissension doesn’t equal judgement.

And since I know points 1 and 2 (that I am the best mom for Wesley and there’s not really one RIGHT way to do something) are true, I don’t need to feel guilty if I raise Wesley in a way that is different than my peers, the APA, or what the trends are telling me to do.

So instead of dwelling on it, I just remind myself of truth and move on.

4. Being a working-mom and a stay-at-home mom and a side-hustle mom are different and equally exhausting.

I was a working mom for two and a half weeks and I missed Wesley daily. But the option to leave the house and be known for something other than just being a mom was nice. No one at work spit up on me or needed me to clean their poopy diapers. They engaged with me in adult conversation. Yes, it’s so hard to have a crappy day at work and come home and still have to pour out yourself for your child. It’s hard to have to time pumps and coordinate bottles and all that and did I mentioned I missed Wesley? It sucked, it was hard. But in some ways it was nice too.

I’ve never truly been a stay-at-home mom because the day after my last Friday at my 9-5 job, I photographed an 8 hour wedding and drove for a total of 4 hours. Which meant, I spent 12 hours away from Wesley my first day being a SAHM (stay-at-home mom). In a few weeks I’ll be having my first overnight away from Wesley and it’s to go to NYC to photograph an engagement session for one of my 2024 brides.

I will have to coordinate pumping while away and figure out how to transport it back home while also walking around the city.

My days during his naps are spent editing, responding to inquiries, and educating myself to up-level my business. I have to fit about 8-10 hours worth of work in a 3 hour day or sacrifice some of Wesley’s awake time to work. It’s hard. Yes, I am doing what I love, but ignoring your child who’s right in front of you, practicing his crawling, because you have to get a session edited or send a mood board to a client, is hard. And it makes you feel like you’re failing him. Because if you’re home you should be 100% engaged. But that’s impossible.

And on days that I take off photography to be a SAHM — it can be hard to feel like this is all I’m doing. My identity feels like it’s slipping away and while being a mom is the best adventure I have been on, I don’t want to get to the empty nest stage and not know who I am. I want to still be me throughout this journey and that is incredibly challenging when every day feels like an endless battle against poop and laundry and sleep.

Studies have shown that being a working mom actually benefits children and mothers and after experiencing these three kinds of motherhood, I can see why. Do I regret my choice? Not a chance. I love being with Wesley and pursuing my dream career. It’s honestly such a gift. But it’s hard to balance and it’s hard to feel like work is never ending because I just go from one job to the other and rarely have a break. But it is 100% worth it.

So whatever kind of mom you are, it’s hard. You’re amazing. Keep going!

5. I die a thousand little deaths every day.

Being a mom is the most self-sacrificing job I have ever had.

Yes, Adrian is here to help so there are times I can be selfish and sleep and he will help Wesley in the middle of the night but for about a month and half, Wesley refused to be comforted by anyone other than me. He also insisted on waking up every 3-4 hours and this was after he was previously sleeping for 7-8 hour stretches. Why? Teething, travel, the six month clingy phase, who knows. But it was brutal. And if it was anyone other than my child, I would have been very angry. Not even the dog would have gotten the patience I somehow miraculously had for Wesley.

But that’s motherhood. You sacrifice your time, body, mental capacity; you sacrifice your life. And maybe that’s why so many women struggle to figure out who they are after motherhood — because you’re constantly dying.

Because if it’s not the actual demands of motherhood on you and your body, it’s realizing that even though every fiber of your being wants to protect and care for your child, some things are outside of your control. And that locus of control shrinks every single day as your child gets older.

I can’t prevent Wesley from hurting himself as he learns to crawl. I can make his practice spaces as safe as possible but barring just not letting him try, I cannot prevent him from getting hurt. And as much as the crazy control person inside of me wants to just wrap him up and never let him be harmed, I know I have to die to this desire. Being a parent means slowly letting go.

All this dying is painful and transformative. It might not show, at least not yet, but I am different now than I was on March 16th. And I am thankful for that change even if momentarily it’s agonizing.

6. Bounce back culture is a lie. There is no bouncing back, there is only moving forward.

• Did you know some healthcare providers don’t consider breasts to be fully developed until they have produced milk?

• Did you know sometimes your feet can grow during pregnancy because tendons get stretched out and never shrink back?

• Did you know your skeleton literally changes?

Just like we move forward with our changing bodies after puberty, we move forward with our postpartum bodies. They will never go back to the way they were. And that is okay.

That doesn’t mean you’ll never be a size whatever again. But it does mean that even if you get back to your pre-pregnancy weight and size, your body will still be different. Because pregnancy changes you.

So there is no bouncing back. There is only moving forward. And that is a beautiful thing.

I am no where near my smallest size right now. But my legs and arms are so much stronger, my pelvic floor is healthier (shout out to PT), and my core is regaining strength and I am convinced that by the time I reach 12 months postpartum, I will be stronger than I ever have been. My body will not look the same. But there’s a great chance it will be healthier than it has ever been.

So we need to stop selling the narrative that going backwards is possible. It’s not. Instead we get to move forward with these new bodies that have housed, birthed (regardless of the method), and nourished (regardless of if you breastfed or not) human life. Our bodies are amazing. Let us treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve. Let us embrace them as they are and as they will become.

So there you have it. Six lessons from the last “six” months.